I’m not going to lie to you. I just bought a pair of workout shorts that promoted â’tummy control’. Cuz if I can wear shorts that have a ‘power mesh insert’ that will help me discover the figure I never knew I had, I’m buying them. I’m buying seven. And besides, if you can shove your power into my mesh and my insert. I want to date you.

Look, I’m all for clothing that has tags attached to it that read: “You will unmistakably discover that our exercise apparel offe’stretch fabric for a sleeker look.’

Sure, why not.— Hell, give me a stretch fabric poncho with matching stretch fabric moccasins! now that would look sharp at an employee Christmas party.

A few weeks ago I was in the department store Ross, Dress for Less. And like all hard working, tax paying, law-abiding lesbians, I started out in the men’s section. After debating whether to get briefs or boxers, I decided on an, egg timer. I then strolled over to the women’s athletic wear and found myself in the section labeled: Active Bottoms—which used to be my stage name. And that’s where I discovered the figure enhancing, visually illusional—yeah, I just made up that word–body sculpting exercise shorts. There were lots of them in many colors even in chipotle. So I grabbed 8 different pairs—the dressing room limit—and headed over to try them on.

The lighting in the dressing rooms is always horrific–even in Guam. And this didn’t help matters as I stared at myself in the mirror thinking—I look like a muffin.   But as soon as I put on the shape enhancing fabric, I was transformed from a muffin into a long and slender crepe. My new attitude grew as I continued to try on other metamorphic shorts. I felt so good I started to sing and dance around like Liza Minnelli in Cabaret. What good is sitting alone in your room.  I belted out. Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret old chum, come to the Cabaret. I crooned as I twirled around flinging my legs up with wild abandon until I kicked myself in the head and then was led out of the building by the security guard.

As I walked to my car I realized what I had purchased was going to change my life for about a day. I’m not that naive; I know it takes more than just a power mesh insert to feel good about myself. It’s really about inner beauty, exercising and only drinking 2 beers for breakfast instead of 5. So don’t judge me, America. I just turned 51 and I’m proud of my love handles. And when I take off my tummy-controlled shorts, I affectionately shout to my lover–look out below! Life is a Cabaret old chum, come to the Cabaret.