‘When we are in transformative process, we can allow the tears to flow without self-judgement. We are willing to be present to ourselves for as long as it takes, and as messy as it gets.” Ernest Holmes said it well, and I try my best to believe it, every day.

Lately, I think I’ve turned a corner. Instead of feeling bad most of the time and occasionally feeling OK, now I feel OK most of the time and occasionally feel bad.

After my long-term relationship ended, I was not accustomed to being alone. We had been together for 27 years. I soon realized I had to force myself to go out and do fun things and spend time with loved ones even if I didn’t feel like it. So six months in advance I had booked a camping site on a pristine stretch of the Yuba River in the Gold Rush Country of Northern California. Now it was time to get packing!

My 14 yr old son, my gay friend Pete and I spent three lazy days swimming in the crystal clear water, sunning ourselves in the blazing heat and leaping off granite boulders.  We must have looked like a perfect little family and it was amusing when the campground hosts assumed that Pete and I were a lovely couple! They probably wondered about the separate tents…

The hosts were an elderly couple who told us a story about two “girls” (in their forties) in a neighboring campsite who were refusing to pay their campsite fees because “American citizens are the true owners the National Park lands.” The hosts were so shaken by the exchange that they just walked away, afraid of risking their jobs but beaten down by the vehemence of the two women.  Wow! I almost decided to use my pushy-ass evil powers for good by telling those women off …but backed off at the thought of getting a beer can thrown at my head.

On the same weekend another lesbian couple passed by while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail together on a five-month 2,650-mile expedition zigzagging their way from Mexico to Canada. They had begun their journey in May carrying only a GPS necklace and super light camping equipment, saying: “This is our life! We wouldn’t want it any other way.” These dykes are living the dream!

I was grateful to return home to my comfy bed after a few nights in the wilderness, happy I’d paid my fees and that I didn’t to have to rough it for 5 months. I’m sure glad I planned the trip long ago when I didn’t feel like going anywhere. As time goes by I am learning to stay grounded in the present moment and fully experience whatever feelings might pass through. I am excited to do extraordinary things without disappointing anyone along the way.  I can be exactly who I am. And as Epochalips finds its audience and continues to catch on, I’m having a blast! I guess I am living the dream, too.