In the new movie Salt, Angelina Jolie is a Russian spy, a former Russian spy, a substitute teacher—I’m not really sure what she is, but it was exciting to watch her kick some serious ass in this senseless movie about espionage. The violence is so over the top–it’s ridiculous, absurd, obscene, yet I want a machine gun.

Fifteen minutes into the movie, Evelyn Salt, (Jolie), is being hunted down by a bunch of CIA dudes and she’s running barefoot (can’t run in heels) in her business suit inside this high-rise building.  At one point, to block the view of a surveillance camera, she quickly removes her pantyhose and covers the lens with them. That’s when I got a hard-on. Anytime a woman can turn her intimate apparel into a survival tool—I want to be her concubine. And pantyhose?! Good lord, that’s so old school!  That scene hooked me into the outrageous story and I vowed to never under estimate the power of the pantyhose. (I still have my funky ones from the 70’s. Don’t judge.)

Oh and the other highlight is when she uses a maxi-pad with wings, mind you, to stop the bleeding of this big gash she gets on her side above her hip.  Using a sanitary pad for something other than your period—c’mon, that’s hot! I was hoping she was going to use a tampon as a stick of dynamite but no such luck.

She pays a visit to her Russian mentor and drill sergeant who turned her into a one mean killing machine. At first she feigns respect when she greets old man Stolichnaya but within an instant, she’s thrusting a broken bottle into his throat for killing her American husband. She then single handedly kills all the dudes in this underground operation with guns, knives, explosives, a lawn mower—I told you it was over the top.

Towards the end of the movie, she dresses up in drag sporting a Russian soldier’s uniform, total butch and totally fighting for justice as she, with half a second to spare, stops the U.S from being blown to smithereens—I know, Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

She’s a one mujer hit squad yet carries a heart of gold for dogs and children as she proves in the start of the film. Ah, how sweet, so typically lesbian: powerful, packing and unpredictable.  Angelina Jolie is one bad mutha yet I was concerned with all the violence she endures, and worried that her body might crack in half because she’s so damn bony.  Or as my mom says: “She’s pretty but que skinnita.” But Angelina survives.  She has to, the sequel, ka-ching!

Jolie proves time and time again, if men are being jerks, she can kick their asses and in this case—kill them. Ok so she goes one step beyond, hey, it’s a kooky fictional story. Girls, please don’t strive for this. Go to college and then go to assassin/charm school.

All I can say is, I want to kick ass and I want to lick Salt.

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