I’m all caught up on my show biz chick flicks having seen Burlesque two weeks ago and yesterday’s matinee of Black Swan. I took my girlfriend so I could grab her arm during the scary gross parts. I would turn towards her, in the dark theater, following the arc of her horrified reactions and gage when it was safe to resume watching the movie. My girlfriend is pretty brave. Not me. I probably averted my eyes for an 8th of the film’s running time. Unfortunately I could not avert my ears from the ballerina’s crunches, squishes and puking. If only I had brought my Ipod for complete protection.

This film is a hit on Facebook. All our friends are updating about it; “Black Swan Wow!” “Black Swan OMG” or the cryptic “Black Swan.” Just a film title? What kind of update is that? Did you like it or not? How about “Black Swan : – )”

It was packed with Tchaikovsky ditties and pretty young people (if you don’t mind a few oozy back scabs.) Barbara Hershey played the crazy mom. Wynona Ryder played the washed up prima ballerina. When did Wynona become middle aged? There was an audible gasp from the audience when we see her in her first scene, my favorite moment in the film. I won’t give it away but I knew we were all thinking, “She shoplifted and She’s still cute!” Casting Ryder, an excellent actress and thug, gives the Black Swan instant street cred.  The director of the iconic Requiem for A Dream, knows how to make an exquisitely morbid product here. The screenwriters, like the director, are dudes with mommy issues and a faux lesbian fetish. Allow me a quick buzz-kill feminist take but I found Black Swan to be partly—”in the vein of 90’s film Single White Female—”artistic softcore porn. If I’m wrong then why were my lady parts tingling?

Natalie Portman gave a bravura performance, but I personally don’t need another beautiful self-victimizing female lead character. All the women in this film were a mess. They needed a SWANTERVENTION. We rarely get an expensive well-crafted film centered on two women and I ask you Hollywood—can they not be insane or dying for once?  There were high-end ballet sequences, which for no good reason reminded me of the I love Lucy episode when she accidentally partakes in a ballet performance creating havoc. I tried to find the Lucy ballet episode on youtube when I got home but no luck. What I did find on youtube were endless kiddie Swan Lake recitals. Parents should know better. Their little swans don’t need to be flapping their wings out of time and losing their balance for all the internet to laugh at. Make that shit private. The best message Black Swan offers girls is—keep your nails short and NEVER take ballet lessons.

On the other hand Burlesque has no worries. It makes you believe that any girl with a dream just needs to talk to Cher. There was nothing original, accurate, logical or artistic about Burlesque. But none of the ladies were insane and no sharp objects were waved around. Christina Aguilera belted out good old showtunes without hallucinating and was surrounded by pretty young babes who weren’t haunting her. Both films had happy endings. Burlesque was upbeat throughout, Black Swan began in a funk then settled into a nightmare until it hit its tragic groove at the bottom which was a relief somehow. See Black Swan in the afternoon go get yourself a big piece of cake and wash it down later with the happy go lucky Burlesque. Or if you really want a good time come see “The Marga Gomez New Year’s Eve Spectacular” December 31st, 2010 at 7pm and 9pm. Tickets available at www.theRhino.org

Visit Marga Gomez at www.margagomez.com