I haven’t spent nearly as much time writing my thoughts as I have been thinking them. With so much happening these past couple of months I must admit I run out of time in the day before I run out of things I need to accomplish. Sometimes taking the time to write feels selfish when there are so many more important things to be doing. Today, however, it is rainy and dark and nothing else seems like a better idea then sharing my thoughts.

As many of you know I recently had breast reduction surgery. The purpose of the surgery was to alleviate some of the disgust I had for my body as well as get rid of a lot of what kept me from feeling like me. I refer to it as chest surgery rather than breast reduction surgery because I feel more connected to me having a chest than I do breasts. Actually I think I have a chest with breasts or something like that. The chest/breast confusion just mirrors the rest of the confusion I face within my gender.

The decision I made to have the surgery was never in question, the decision as to how much to remove was, and still is. A lot of people don’t understand the blurred gender I live within. For most people gender is one or the other, even if they feel they are the ‘wrong’ one. I never fit the matronly female body I carried, but I certainly would not fit a male body either. So taking too much off would put me in just as much of an uncomfortable position as keeping what I had. My quest was to make the breasts small enough to wear male clothes yet large enough to wear female clothes. Most days I wear a little of both. Although I wish the outcome was a little smaller than they ended up (or are at this point in the recovery), I am happy with my choice.

Since I write a lot on gender identity, it is no wonder I have a large transgender following. I am a huge advocate for the transgender community and understand a lot of what they feel. However, I am not transgender. During the past couple of months as I have shared my boob journey, I have found myself feeling like I need to explain why I only took some off and not them all. I have felt the same misunderstanding about being genderqueer from the trans community as I have the gender conforming community. For once in a very long time I am experiencing the tiny place where those whittled out of the larger communities reside.

I am not a butch lesbian, I am genderqueer. I am not a transman that hasn’t transitioned, I am genderqueer. I am not a man or a woman, I am both and neither. I wear boxer briefs and a bra.

Echo resides in northern New Jersey with her wife and the two youngest of their five children. You can visit her blog at dysphoricallyspeaking.blogspot.com. To see the photo diary of Echo’s surgery, click here