Dear Battleaxe,
I am going to a New Years Party where there will be people I certainly don’t want to kiss at midnight—or any other time. Any suggestions?
Dear Party Pooper,
There are a number of things you can do, but let’s start with these:
1. Don’t go to the party
2. At 11:59 bite into an onion
3. Vomit by the hors d’ouevres
4. Yell FIRE!
Dear Battleaxe,
I was working in my garden and I accidently spilled Miracle Grow on my pants. Since then my clit has blossomed 2 inches. Should I be concerned?
Dear Concerned,
What does your GF say? And if you don’t have a gf, can I have your number?
Dear Battleaxe,
I am the youngest of 12 kids, and the most delicate of all my siblings. I just don’t have the stamina they all have. What do you attribute that to?
Dear Runt of the Litter,
I’m sure your parents were much older, I’d say you got the old sperm and the old egg.
