So much happened throughout 2011. I’m dizzy from it all but then again, I’m still trying to figure out how to record TV shows using my VCR.

I taught all school year at UCLA and UC Santa Barbara—two classes per quarter. I usually teach one course a quarter.  The thing about teaching college classes–you can’t show up drunk and topless—totally cramps my style.

I got my first “pat down” at the airport in Portland, Maine. I was in line waiting to board my flight when this small muscle-y blonde chick sporting a natty pony tail who said she was security but looked like my high school PE teacher, told me she needed to perform a pat down on me.  She instructed me to step out of line and asked if there was an area where I was sensitive to the touch. I stared at her and said, “I think you know the answer to that, Tammy.”  I grabbed her right hand, slid her fingers in my mouth and made her touch my uvula. After, we shared a cigarette.

My essay “Don’t Hide Your Bride Pride,” was included in, Here Come The Brides, a new anthology about lesbian marriage by Seal Press that will have its release date sometime in March 2012. Buy it. Read it. Share it with your mother.

Speaking of moms, I was able to spend more time with my mother, which I am thankful for.  Although she’s in good spirits, my mother is 88 years old and is experiencing dementia—her memory plays tricks on her.  So I must come out to her about 3 times a day. She’ll ask, “What does your husband do?” And I’ll respond, “No husband, I’m a lesbian, mom.” She’ll reply, “Oh yeah, did you go the gay parade?” Despite her memory loss, she’s funny and a smarty pants.  I’ll ask her what she wants to do for the day and she’ll reply, “We can do whatever we want because we’re not married and we don’t even have to come back home.” There’s never a dull moment when I’m with my charming, feisty, loving mother.

I experienced true puppy love. My neighbor and dear friend Sunny fostered a family of TEN dogs—that’s right I said TEN. That’s a lot of poop. Two moms, (one was the matriarch and the other was her 2 year old daughter) and eight puppies of Chihuahua mix with beagle and scarecrow. As you can imagine, pure canine madness ensued as she attempted to keep them in her bathroom but holding these little furry adorable creatures and playing with them was extremely blissful and spiritually satisfying. All 8 pups were adopted into good homes and currently the two moms are still my neighbors.

I went to Las Vegas with my sister Eleanor (Ask a Battle Axe) for her 63^rd birthday and we saw the Michael Jackson show by Cirque du Soleil. Although the performance was very exciting, the music was so damn loud, my dental fillings flew out of my mouth.
We stayed at the Luxor Hotel that has an Egyptian theme and I didn’t mind sharing my bed with a mummy.  We also visited Red Rock Canyon which is 15 miles west of sin city; an amazing creation of nature.  Check it out.

I got pulled over by a cop who tried to tell me I was driving under the influence. This Santa Barbara white police dude was racial profiling to the max.  I was not swerving in and out of my lane as he claimed I was and I would never drink and drive. He actually made me get out of my car and stand before him so my eyes could follow his stubby finger as he moved it from left to right in front of my vision. Of course I proved to him that I could perform this public humiliating task yet he continued to ask me if I had been drinking. That’s when I smacked him in the balls—with an oar.

2011 was a good year to be queer.  The military policy Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed.  Thanks, Obama. This was further promoted as we saw lesbian sailors, Marissa Gaeta and her partner Citlalic Snell, kissing on the dock for the Navy’s traditional “First Kiss” after Gaeta had returned from sea.  They were the first same-sex couple to experience this lip-locking ritual and their love was seen around the world.  Right on!  The great state of New York legalized same-sex marriage. Power to the people!  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delivered a speech to world leaders in Geneva on Human Rights Day and spoke at length about gay rights being human rights. Cheers, Queers!

Oh, before I forget, I performed more and my screenplay got acknowledged by big wigs. I bought a new Mac computer and a new bed—two things a girl needs to participate in 2012. I increased my speed and built more stamina doing my power walks. I had a self-fulfilling spiritual year as a single woman. ….I’m just too good to be true.  Can’t take my eyes off of me.  I’m just like heaven to touch.  I want to hold me so much…..

Happy New Year.  Remember to love yourself.

To book Monica for your next event, go to: www.monicapalacios.com