Dear Dr. Corwin: My (lesbian) partner and I had a complete blowout last weekend, and now she says she’s done. She was angry because I’d just gotten back from a long trip, and for the first 24 hours I was home I just was into settling back, catching up on work, enjoying being home–but she wanted to make love, and said I ignored her.  So when 24 hours passed she blew up, said she wants me to be more affectionate and excited about her but she feels “invisible and unimportant.”  I think she takes things too seriously. We’ve had this same discussion 100 times before, and nothing changes. So are we doomed?

A: Not necessarily, but it’s good that you’re asking.  It depends how honest you both can be without getting so hurt or angry. Sounds like you’re on different sides of the emotional/sexual attachment continuum–she wants more and you want  less– and you feel blamed for not being more like your partner.  That’s not possible, so what else can you do?

To end this repetitive cycle, talk honestly with each other about deeper feelings that were going on last weekend. What was she thinking/feeling during the first 24 hours you were back, when you were not engaging with her? What were you thinking/feeling during those 24 hours?  Take deep breaths before having this conversation. It will be incredibly easy to lose the goal–genuine, productive conversation–and fall into defensiveness, criticism, withdrawing, or even disdainful eye-rolling.  None of those will help!

What always helps is the prayer of St Francis: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  If you want to understand what those 24 hours meant to her, she may be more willing to understand how it was for you.  And empathy like this can only help, regardless of what the outcome is.

Glenda Corwin, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist who specializes in lesbian sexual issues. She is the author of Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same Sex Couples (Seal Press, 2010). Dr. Corwin writes for the Huffington Post: Gay Voices, Epochalips.com, as well as her own blog on www.DrGlendaCorwin.com. She presents frequently at professional conferences, and is a regular guest on Barb Elgin’s LesbianLoveTalk radio program.

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