A lesbian woman weeps in my office because her partner has left her, saying “I’ve needed you sexually a long time, and you don’t seem to care.”  Their last conversation about this was 6 months ago–but nothing had changed.

The woman in my office looked puzzled.  She explained “That’s not the way I show love.  I like to do things for her, or cook together–that’s my love language.”

If you want to connect with her, you need to speak HER language–not yours!  Otherwise you’re just talking to yourself.  Imagine me bursting into conversation in Mandarin, when you’ve told me several times that you only understand English.  That’s not trying to connect with you–it’s just trying to make you talk the way I do.

So don’t miss the point.  Yes, we have different love languages, and if you want to connect with someone you need to speak hers, or at least be honest about your willingness to learn.

Glenda Corwin, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist who specializes in lesbian sexual issues. She is the author of Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same Sex Couples (Seal Press, 2010). Dr. Corwin writes for the Huffington Post: Gay Voices, Epochalips.com, as well as her own blog on www.DrGlendaCorwin.com. She presents frequently at professional conferences, and is a regular guest on Barb Elgin’s LesbianLoveTalk radio program.

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