Dear Battleaxe,

I’m dating someone who I haven’t had sex with yet. But I think we are about to—any day now. The problem is, she wants me to shave my pussy because she is hair-phobic. Should I do it? Or maybe just trim the front?

Dear ‘Business in front— party in back’,

Sounds like a mullet to me. Try some highlights, blonds have more fun!

Dear Battleaxe,

My friend just called me to see if I wanted to go dancing later this evening at the opening of a new lesbian dance club. To be quite honest I don’t think I can stay up that late. And truth be told, my hammer toes are acting up. How do I get out of this?

Dear Hammer Toes,

Breathe! Throw those orthopedic shoes away and get your butt out there while you can still walk. Life is too short, go dance girl!

Dear Battleaxe,

I haven’t gotten laid in five years. How can I tell if it has been too long since I’ve had sex?

Dear Too Long,

If your pussy has cobwebs, there might be a problem!

In my 68 years I have learned many things and have some good old-fashioned common sense. Send your questions to Eleanor@lesbiangcemag.com.