Dear Battleaxe,

Valentines Day is coming up, I’m single, and of course feeling the pressure of all this couple bullshit, romantic dinners, you know—all the Hallmark moments. It just makes me miserable, I don’t know what to do.

Dear Miserable,

Valentines Day is just another day on the calendar, in 24 hours it is over. Who cares about anyone else! Love yourself, that’s all that matters—come on, hug yourself. Next, go buy a GOOD bottle of champagne—come on, you are worth it, and a pound of See’s Nuts & Chews. Make sure you have plenty of C batteries and party like there’s no tomorrow. And, if you feel like you really need company, call Siri, your wish is her command. Enjoy!

Dear Battleaxe,

I’m dating someone new and she doesn’t know I wear dentures. It’s getting romantic and I know soon we will have wild sex. How do I keep my dentures in place and still have fun?

Dear Looking For Fun,

Woah Nellie! If you think she doesn’t know you wear dentures, I think you better think again. You probably have been clicking away, and unless she thinks you are playing the castanets, maybe you have gotten away with it. I say get some extra strong Fixodent and go for the record,  be a cunning linguist.  Yeehaw!

Dear Battleaxe,

I hear so many people talk about their break-ups, some sad—some crazy—some good. What do think is a healthy breakup? Is there such a thing?

Dear Wondering About Break-Ups,

I would say a healthy break-up is having sex just before they/you leave.

In my 68 years I have learned many things and have some good old-fashioned common sense. Send your questions to Eleanor@lesbiangcemag.com.