What is it about Lesbians and their exes?  I just got off the phone with my ex from 20 years ago and we were trying to figure out how to take care of her ex’s dog when her ex goes into the hospital.  My ex from 22 years ago is my roommate, and we just finished off all the laundry from our road trip from California to Colorado.  I figured that since I’m back from the road trip, I would write a piece about it and send it to my ex of 30 years ago who is the main gal behind Epochalips.  Do we ever branch out?

I digress.  What do retired people do when they have to travel to their brother’s wedding in Colorado?  Road trip!  I have two large Golden Retrievers who I loaded up into my truck along with my ex.  How surprising that a lesbian drives a truck and has two dogs.  Or that she travels halfway across the country with an ex. We quickly made it to Nevada and traveled the loneliest road in the United States. It was a pure joy to go through the desert and not see a living soul.  The dogs and I took full advantage of peeing freely all over the desert.  I found a wonderful technique of sitting on the running board and peeing whilst the sand quickly absorbed any possible back splash. My dogs were certainly impressed with my ingenuity.

As we then entered the great state of Utah we came to the southern part with the National Parks and it was so beautiful there it took our breath away.  By this point my dogs were sick and tired of riding in the very back of the truck with the camper shell and demanded to ride inside the truck.  We moved all the luggage to the back and the dogs paced around the back seat of the truck for the next 6 days.  After that, anything you drank or ate in the truck was laced with dog hair as it continually rained down on us.  Windows up or down, air conditioning on or off, did not diminish the sounds of loud dog panting and drool collecting on our shoulders.  I suppose the really disgusting part which just might get edited out here was when one of my dogs decided to eat my poop which I thought I had secretly deposited near a tree in the desert.  Much to my amazement my dog had hideous poop breath for about an hour or more as we drove merrily along.

Now motels and dogs are an entirely different type of experience during a road trip.  The first motel we came across in Nevada charged an extra five dollars for both 70 pound dogs.  The total bill was fifty five dollars so I was just a bit leery to see what the room would be like.  The ceiling looked as if it was going to cave into the room from so much water damage above.  My dogs continually sniffed the carpet and beds.  My ex began taking the mattresses apart, looking for bed bugs with her magnifying glass.  I begged her to stop looking because she would probably find them and there was nowhere else to stay. I am the type that brings my own sheets and carefully covers the motel beds to make sure nothing gets dirty. Fortunately the night was one of many that were relatively uneventful.

So we had a superb time traveling together and bonding in the desert.  The wedding went off with very few hitches. We drove 2,400 miles and I cannot recommend road trips with your dogs and exes strongly enough!