The last time I had the flu Roosevelt was president. I was always bragging: “I never get sick.” Well two weeks ago, I came down with a hard core case of influenza to the max. When your hair hurts–you know it’s bad. On Monday I was super exhausted, on Tuesday I was coughing all day and by Wednesday morning I woke up in the fetal position with a fever wimpering like a baby donkey. I was so sick, my spleen had a cough.

To make me feel better and loved, I immediately wanted all my childhood medicines, of the 60s: St. Joseph Aspirin for Children–my brother and I ate this stuff like it was candy. Vicks Formula 44 cough syrup–there was so much booze and codeine–it was delicious. My top favorite cherry flavored cough drops and throat lozenges: Children’s Sucrets, Luden’s, Vicks, and Smith Brothers. I loved all the different packaging especially the Sucrets tins–those little containers came in handy for my small knick knack toys and then later for my teen consumption of pot. But I was really fascinated with the artwork on the Smith Brothers cough drop box. The brothers were in profile with black and white graphics exposing their full beards giving them a serious 1800s look as they were on each side of the sleek white rectangular container. My young dyke self was mesmerized by this art that promoted an old timey masculinity. With each delicious cherry cough drop I sucked on, I day dreamed I was a cowboy who had to take care of the ranch even though I had a cough. In the evenings I shared a whiskey with Misty Boom Boom who worked at The Naked Coyote–the neighborhood saloon.

Since this present illness wasn’t mild childhood flu, I needed hardcore narcotics so I got a bottle of Nyquil Severe and downed two shots on my first night. The next morning I woke up in my garage. But my sinuses were clear.

The best thing for the flu is to rest and do nothing. Not go to the store and buy a bag of bar-b-que potato chips, a pint of sea salt caramel truffle ice cream and a chunk of cheese. That’s nothing but a bucket of phlegm. But I couldn’t help it because I got so bored and I hated eating only soup. After my setback day, I knew I was going to recover quicker if I stayed away from mucus inducing foods and remained home and did absolutely nothing–not even masturbate–that was challenging.

Today is my 14th day with this pain in the ass flu but I’m almost well. I’m giving myself 5 more days of laying low then I’m going to my local diner and ordering a massive veggie burger with fries and then for dessert–an ice cream sundae.  I don’t care if I’m blowing my nose for hours after. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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