I’m not going to lie to you—I just bought a pair of workout shorts that promoted “tummy controlâ€. Cuz if I can wear shorts that have a “power mesh insert†that will help me discover the figure I never knew I had—I’m buying them. I’m buying seven. And besides, if you can shove your power […]
Dear Battleaxe, I’m dating someone who I haven’t had sex with yet. But I think we are about to—any day now. The problem is, she wants me to shave my pussy because she is hair-phobic. Should I do it? Or maybe just trim the front? Dear ‘Business in front— party in back’, Sounds like a […]
I have a confession: I’m addicted to the new ABC show Mistresses. It makes my uvula tremble. But the plot lines are ridiculous. I sit there and say, “God this is so stupid–turn it up!” There has already been a lesbian sex shower scene–two women sudsing up a yak–that’s hot! Alyssa Milano leads this series […]
Recently I informed a friend that I was looking girly and she replied: “What does that mean? You have flowers in your jockstrap?” How dare her! I wear boxers. It’s true–I’m masculine and feminine. I poke and I like to get poked. When I was a young lass of five with my short pixie haircut, […]
Dear Battle Axe, I don’t feel old, in fact, most people don’t believe I’m in my mid-60s! Do you have a list of ‘do’s & dont’s’ to help keep my age a secret? Dear Hiding, Rule #1 If you wear glasses, use frames to hide the bags under your eyes. But beware, your glasses might […]
Recently when I went to an eye doctor for floaters, a common vision problem for older people, an assistant asked me if I had ever thought of cosmetic surgery for my droopy lids. In a Kiehl’s store I bought some hand cream and the cashier, in his white faux-doctor jacket, tossed too many packets of […]
Hello bored and deviant people! The video attached is the freakshow you’ve been waiting for!!! What you are about to witness is Robin and I in search of a punch line on the Charles River in Boston, Massachusetts. Robin told me there was a mysterious Billy Goat McGruff blocking passage under the bridges we were […]
OMG! Pope Benedict has announced he will retire on Feb. 28, 2013. When a CEO of a major multinational quits and gives just two weeks’ notice, everybody pricks up their ears. Those who can hear through the deafening and tasteless “Ding dong the witch is dead,†remix are wondering why the sudden papal exit? Did […]
For 2013 I only made one resolution.  It’s bad form to tell you what it is, so I’ll just say that it has something to do with Melissa McCarthy.  Got my fingers crossed. For the Winter Solstice, a friend gave me an engraved cube of burnished lead on which is etched, “Angels fly because they take themselves […]
As I stand and announce, “I have to go,” photographer Sunny Bak, my neighbor and adorable friend, replies in a nice dominatrix voice, “Nobody leaves. We have to watch one more episode.” She’s right. We are shamelessly addicted to the gripping TV show Homeland. We think Claire Danes is a nutcase–and that’s why we’re obsessed […]
Hang on, it's going to be a wild ride!
Robin
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